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  • Jokes Book

    Jokes Book: please add your classics here;



    My doctor referred me to a urologist.

    To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful,

    and unbelievably sexy looking.

    She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

    I asked her “Why?”

    She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you.'

  • #2
    Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss
    girl with large breasts.

    The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

    When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

    No one speaks.

    The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

    The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

    The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

    The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

    Comment


    • #3
      funny

      Comment


      • #4
        BBQ RULES

        We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

        When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

        Routine...
        (1) The woman buys the food.
        (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
        (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

        Here comes the important part:
        (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

        More routine....
        (5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
        (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

        Important again:
        (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

        More routine....
        (8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
        (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

        And most important of all:
        (10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
        (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

        Comment


        • #5
          A guy walks into a bar with a piece of bitumen under his arm...
          the barman says, what can i get ya...
          the guy replies, ill have a beer and gimme one for the road.



          whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

          -dr dre.

          Comment


          • #6
            I was asked to run a marathon.

            Naturally, I said, "Piss off".

            They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

            Then I thought........fuck, I could win this......

            Comment


            • #7
              I went to the Doctor and explained to him that I had a problem with my penis.

              After a short examination he asks "what seems to be the problem?"

              I said "Well each morning I wake up and have rigorous sex with my Wife, then when I get to work I take the secretary out to the storeroom and shag her senseless for half an hour"

              The doctor raises and eyebrow and says "yes go on"

              I said "Well then at lunch I duck home and have sex with the next door neighbour’s wife, then back to work and mid afternoon I meet up with the photocopy girl in the car park and shag her in the back of my car for about an hour"

              The doctor raises both eyebrows.

              I then added "Well each arvo I duck off early and drop in the sister in-laws place and have full on sex with her for about two hours and then I go home and after dinner have sex with my wife again"

              And the doctor asks again "So what is the problem with your penis?"

              I said "Well Doc...... it hurts when I masturbate!"

              Comment


              • #8
                i got this email the other day.. some pretty funny ones

                SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

                What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
                Juan on Juan

                What is! the difference between
                a Harley and aHoover ?
                The position of the dirt bag

                Why is divorce so expensive?
                Because it's worth it.

                What do you see when the
                Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
                Doughnuts?

                Why is air a lot like sex?
                Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

                What do you call a smart blonde?
                A golden retriever.

                What do attorneys use for birth control?
                Their personalities.

                What's the difference between
                a girlfriend and wife?
                45 lbs

                What's the difference between
                a boyfriend and husband?
                45 minutes

                What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
                Through his chest with a sharp knife.

                Why do men want to marry virgins?
                They can't stand criticism.

                Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
                good-looking?
                Because those men already have boyfriends.

                What's the difference between
                a new husband and a new dog?
                After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

                What makes men chase women
                they have no intention of marrying?
                The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
                driving.

                Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
                Because they have cotton balls.

                What's the difference between
                a porcupine and BMW?
                A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

                What did the blonde say when
                she found out she was pregnant?
                "Are you sure it's mine?"

                Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
                Mace will do that to you.

                Why did OJ Simpson want to
                move to West Virginia ?
                Everyone has the same DNA.

                Why do men find it difficult
                to make eye contact?
                Breasts don't have eyes.

                Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
                He walks around saying "Yo."

                Why do drivers' education
                classes in Redneck schools
                use the car only on Mondays,
                Wednesdays and Fridays?
                Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

                Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
                A different bar.

                Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
                They named him "Sum Ting Wong

                What would you call it when
                an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
                A speech impediment.

                What does it mean when the
                flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
                They're hiring.

                What's the difference between
                a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
                A southern zoo has a description of the animal
                on the front of the cage along with.... "a recipe".

                How do you get a sweet little
                80-year-old lady to say the F word?
                Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

                What's the difference between
                a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
                A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
                A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

                Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
                No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

                Comment


                • #9
                  30 FACTS ABOUT BOONIE

                  The quickest way to a man's heart is with Boonie's Gray Nicholls.

                  Boonie's tears don't cure cancer, but they do cure a hard earned thirst as they are 6.2% alcohol.

                  Boonie doesn't shave; his beard is too scared of his mo. The only thing that isn't scared of Boonie's mo is Boonie, and possibly Merv.

                  When Boonie was born, he never cried. He just rearranged his box, then got on with the business of growing his mo.

                  Boonie sold his soul to the devil for his mo and unparalleled batting ability. "Fielding at Short Leg" ability was his own doing. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Boonie swung his mighty Gray Nicholls at the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play back yard cricket every second Wednesday of the month, even in the winter.

                  Boonie does not sleep. He waits. For your shout.

                  Boonie once cover drove someone so hard that his Gray Nicholls broke the speed of light, went back in time, and smashed Charles Kingsford Smith while he was flying over the Tasman

                  Boonie built a time machine and went back in time to stop Harold Holt going for a swim. As a shark came near him, Boonie's mo strangled the shark. Holt died of amazement and floated out to sea. Boonie then drank a case.

                  Boonie does not drink like a horse. horses drink like Boonie

                  To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
                  15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Then he found out about Boonie drinking 52 cans of Full Strength beer on a flight between London and Sydney, and Chuck Norris'
                  cancer came back, but this time it had a bigger mo.

                  The chief export of Boonie comes in keg form.

                  Boonie is currently suing Slim Dusty's estate, claiming "The Pub With No Beer" is something that just shouldn't be joked about.

                  Boonie won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply smashed the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him to the fence with his Gray Nicholls, and the game forfeited.

                  Boonie drank his first stubbie before his dad did.

                  Boonie was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "brew". Unfortunately, the trip along the desert following that star was a long one, and none of the 12 cases of beer made it, hence why he was left out of the bible.

                  If you can see Boonie, it is your shout. If you can't see Boonie you may be only seconds away from a shout.

                  Boonie doesn't read books. He drinks in front of them until they pass out. Then Boonie shakes their hand, rearranges his box and gets on with business.

                  When Boonie sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready at short leg. Boonie has not had to pay taxes ever.

                  Boonie can make a woman climax by simply pointing at his mo.

                  Boonie once ate four 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes hitting boundaries.

                  Playing in England for the ashes, Boonie brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged mo rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Boonie out-drank the animal, breaking its non-iron guts, to remind the crowd once more that Boonie giveth, and the good Boonie taketh away.

                  When Boonie plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather alcohol poisoning. He also requires no wagon, since the family is carried on the drinks cart. He always makes it to Oregon before you, then rearranges his box and gets on with business.

                  After little debate, Australian Prime Ministers have always decided that we do need to have armed forces instead of Boonie. The reasoning? It is more "humane", and Boonie sometimes likes to go home to Tasmania instead of touring.

                  Boonie once shot a British plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Howzat!"

                  The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Boonie-more than meets the eye, Boonie-robot in disguise," and starred Boonie as a Test Cricketer who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a keg. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into the "Transformers" and the "Talking Boonie".

                  One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact leg glanced to death by Boonie.

                  Boonie recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Budwiser. Boonie won't drink it either.

                  There are no retired bowlers. Only bowlers who have met Boonie.

                  When Boonie's wife burned the snags one Boxing Day Test, Boonie never got upset. He just got out his Gray Nicholls, and then belted the burnt off all the snags. He got Man of the Match that day.

                  If you ask Boonie what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
                  After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he sweeps your nads for four. Then he rearranges his box, and gets on with business.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I'm a massive fan of jokes that are more funny to the teller, than the listener..

                    I've made a joke go for 20 minutes, without a punch line.. and if you guys want I'll type it up later but be aware, it's such a shit joke that you will literally want to punch my face in after reading it (while i sit here laughing my balls off at how stupid you were for reading it)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      A bloke was having a few drinks at a pub when he met a short slim woman.
                      They got on really well and ended up in bed that night.
                      The next morning she said she was a jockey riding at Ascot that day.
                      If he came to the track she would tip him a winner of each race she was in, by giving him a signal as she rode out to race.
                      In race 2 she rubbed both boobs.
                      The bloke looked at the form guide and saw “2 melons” and placed $100 on it. The horse won.
                      In race 4 she rubbed her eyes.
                      He put all his money on “eyeliner” and it won too!
                      In the last race she came out rubbing her fanny - so he backed nothing.
                      They meet afterwards and he thanks her for the tips that won races 2 & 4.
                      She said what about “itchy minge” in the last?
                      F..k he said – I thought the c.nt was scratched!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        hahahaha alba that is gooood........

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          > A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with
                          > her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way
                          > through the entrance.
                          >
                          > The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice
                          > children you've got there. Are they twins?'
                          >
                          > The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of
                          > course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven.
                          > Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really
                          > think they look alike, you d*ckhead?'

                          > 'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe
                          > anyone > would shag you twice!'

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            A priest checks in to a motel, and says to the receptionist…“I hope the porn channel is disabled”,
                            And the Receptionist replies “ NO ITS NORMAL PORN,YOU SICK BASTARD”

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              That's when the fight started....





                              My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
                              I said, 'Dust.'
                              And then the fight started...
                              ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------


                              My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
                              I bought her a scale.
                              And then the fight started...
                              ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------


                              My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
                              My wife as ked, 'Do you know her?'
                              'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
                              'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
                              And then the fight started...
                              ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----


                              I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
                              "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
                              He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
                              Nah, she can order for herself."
                              And then the fight started...
                              ------------ --------- --------- ---


                              A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
                              She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
                              'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
                              I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
                              The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
                              And then the fight started.....
                              ------------ --------- --------- ------


                              My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
                              and then the fight started.....
                              ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------


                              I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
                              It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
                              So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
                              And that's when the fight started....
                              ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

                              Comment

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